Experts say that to eliminate body odor, one should stick to a diet rich in vegetables and take chlorophyll supplements and wear loose-fitting clothing and bathe regularly and always wear socks with closed-toe shoes and think only pleasant, floral thoughts. But that advice is worth fuck-all when you've spent the weekend eating cheeseburgers and woke up too late to shower before work and you ran out of clean laundry days ago and the only socks you can find are the novelty Thanksgiving turkey socks that your mom gave you as a joke last year because they were $2 at a gas station.
If you're on Team Unhygienic or — if your various bodily perfumes, tinctures, and deodorizers surrender more readily than a Frenchman — and you can't pop into a drug store, never fear. You can MacGyver your way out of this.Should your unexpected smelliness occur when you're lucky enough to be at a restaurant, hunt around for some vinegar (anything but balsamic will do, because even worse than having smelly armpits is having two giant, dark brown salad-scented armpit stains). Ask for a little ramekin of the acrid stuff, and if the server asks you what it's for, just say, "It's for my armpits HAHAHAHAHA" to reduce suspicion, because how silly to think one would do something so crazy as to use vinegar for armpit-related activities. My stars.
Once the nosy server has brought you your elixir of stink killer, go to the bathroom , soak a wad of toilet paper in it, and apply it to the underarms. Obviously you'll want to disguise the fact that you're taking a food item to the bathroom. If you absolutely won't be able to sneak it to the bathroom, very shadily dip your napkin into the vinegar until most of it is absorbed and then take your napkin to the bathroom. Act like you're just absently carrying it. Carrying a napkin is less weird than carrying a small bowl of vinegar. You can also use corn starch to absorb odor, although asking for cornstarch is probably more strange than asking for vinegar.
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